Haruspex

 

The Ultimate Fate of the Fighter Class.
By Haruspex.

Fighter 3.5: A little help here? (grappling 8 dire weasels)
Druid: Hold on. (wildshapes into T-Rex)
Wizard: Fireball! (kills ten kobolds in one go)
Rogue: Sneak attack, fool! (kills kobold general)
Cleric: Cure serious wounds! Cure light wounds!

The smoke clears and a lone figure stands over the bodies of the kobolds.

Wizard: Who are you?
Fighter X: I am Fighter X, born from the frustration of players who had to deal with the sub-par fighter class and half-assed fixes.
Wizard: Oh? Better deal with you quickly. Forcecage!
Fighter X: (Destroys forcecage using his Forcecage Buster* feat)
Wizard: Didn’t see that coming.
Druid: I’ll swallow this fool up (bites and swallows Fighter X).
Fighter X: You cannot stomach me, tree-hugger! (Breaks out using his Swallow This!* feat)
Druid: Ouch.
Cleric: I’ll put an end to you! (Casts all buff spells that weren’t cast already)
Fighter X: Silly priest, your god cannot save you.
Cleric: Smite! (Completely misses Fighter X)
Fighter X: Ha, I get (among other things) +1 to AC for each level in the Fighter X class. You need a 20 to hit me.
Cleric: Even with all my best buff spells?
Fighter X: Yup.
(Pause)
Cleric: Gate!
Wizard: Gate!
Druid: Elemental Swarm!
Fighter X: Omnislash!* (Destroys all summoned/called creatures with his bare hands)
Cleric: Those creatures were nowhere near you when you killed them.
Wizard: Wait, how come you’re not using a weapon?
Fighter X: I took Vow of Poverty version 2.0* as my second feat.
Wizard: How is it different from the original?
Fighter X: Among other things, I don’t have to be exalted. Observe. (Punches Rogue in the face, dropping him to -34 hit points)
Rogue: Blarg. (Dies)
Wizard: His AC was over 60! Also, he was invisible when you hit him.
Fighter X: My Blind Swordsman* feat gives me the benefits of true seeing (among other things).
Wizard: I need time to figure this out. Greater Teleport! (nothing happens)
Druid: Why haven’t we teleported?
Fighter X: I activated the antimagic field granted by my Go To Hell, Spellcasters!* class feature.
Cleric: So basically, we’re screwed.
Fighter X: Don’t feel bad, I’m four levels higher than you.
Wizard: Four levels?
Fighter X: You heard me. Fighter X seems pretty much balanced against the PHB classes, though sourcebooks still give me headaches.
Cleric: Balanced. Right.
Fighter X: At least you’ll get to see your deity. Quickened Empowered Maximized Mountain Tombstone Strike!
Cleric: Urgh. (Constitution drops to 0)
Wizard: Cleric! Not you too.
Druid: You can’t apply metamagic feats to maneuvers.
Fighter X: Using my It Was Meant For Fighters Anyway* class feature, I sure can. Better finish you off now.
Druid: Well, death is a natural process.
Wizard: What? We can still run. (Withdraws)
Fighter X: Attack of opportunity!
Wizard: Gah. (Disintegrates)
Druid: He used the withdr- oh, nevermind.
Fighter X: Still here?
Druid: Obviously nothing will work, so why bother?
Fighter X: Well, I hoped you would fight back. If I can defeat a party of five, each four levels lower than me, then the Fighter X class is balanced.
Druid: What logic is that?
Fighter X: Common sense; the fighter class is meant to be the best at combat. Fighter 3.5 could be outgrappled by a wizard, out-tanked by a druid, out melee’d by a cleric, and pretty much sucked. At it’s own game. The only answer was to increase the capability of the Fighter class. I am the future.
Druid: No one class is supposed to be able to defeat a well-balanced party this convincingly.
Fighter X: No, but if your party had a Fighter X in it, things wouldn’t end this way.
Druid: So only someone of the same class as you can beat you. What about the rest of us?
Fighter X: Meh, somebody will write up a fix soon enough. Power Attack for 20.
Druid: Damn it. (Dies)
Fighter 3.5: So it’s just you and me.
Fighter X: You couldn’t even handle a bunch of weasels. What chance do you have?
Fighter 3.5: Don’t underestimate me. Leap Attack! (rolls a natural 20)
Fighter X: Wow, you took out something like 10% of my hit points. Well done.
Fighter 3.5: What?
Fighter X: Full attack.
Fighter 3.5: No, it can’t be! (Dies)
Fighter X: Finally the fighter class has been fixed. Mwahahahahahahaha!

The End.

*These feats/class features don’t exist. Yet.

Bahamut

Jun 4 2008, 11:39 AM

No, no lo había leído....y no sé porqué me recordó una escena de Monty Python's Holy Grail.